The Loss That Changed My Life: The Power of My Miscarriage

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There are many times in our life that we will encounter life altering events and situations. Some are more traumatic than others, some will be easier to get over, and some will linger for many, many years. I have had quite a few in my 30+ years of life and one really turned my life upside down mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

October 13, 2008 was that day. This is the day that I miscarried my first baby. Exactly 10 years ago a piece of me died in more than one way.

Let me take you back 10 years…

You get married at 25 years old you, the doctors tell you that it will be hard to get pregnant because you’ve been on birth control since you were 13 years old and this has cause the lining of your uterus to be very thin. The lining is so thin that you may not be able to hold your baby IF you get pregnant. Then you are told that time will only tell if your lining will go back to being “somewhat normal”. Your heart drops but you don’t fully show it.

Now, imagine you are 26 years old and you finally have a feeling that you are pregnant! It is something that you have wanted for some time and it is something that you have prayed would happen. You also prayed that the doctors would be wrong. You are excited to take a pregnancy test but at the same time you do not want to get your hopes for nothing. This was me 10 years ago.

At that time, I had decided to finally go back and finish getting my degree from Georgia Southern University, since taking some time off from college. I was driving 4 hours to complete my student teaching, which was the last requirement. I had to drive 2.5 hours from Atlanta to Bleckley County Georgia and back home. I was leaving my house around 4:30am each morning to make sure I got to the school on time. I was so focused on accomplishing the goal I had set, that when I noticed a difference in myself, I just thought it was because I doing so much at that time with being married, school, business, family, and more. Plus I didn’t want to experience a false sense of hope.

I finally decide to take a pregnancy test and the results appeared very fast. PREGNANT is what it showed. I took a second test and same thing… fast results… PREGNANT! I was ecstatic! I couldn’t wait to tell my husband! The sheer joy that exuded from him was all I imagined it would be. I called and set a doctor’s appointment. Life was great!

Fast forward some time, it is now Sunday, October 12, 2008. I had prepared a very creative lesson plan that I was set to teach my class in the morning and I was so giddy because I knew the kids would love it. I couldn’t wait to teach it.  We went to bed, as we normally do, nothing out of the norm for a typical Sunday night.

BAM! After being sleep for a few hours, the worst pain I have ever felt in my life awakens me. I literally woke up with tears running down my face because I was hurting so much. I could only let out a scream and ball up. I yelled for my husband to wake up and then I felt something warm begin to flow. I knew it was blood. I wobbled as fast as I could to the bathroom and sure enough it was blood. We immediately knew something was wrong and rushed to the closest hospital. I will not name the hospital because of the horrible experience I encountered. Now that I have given birth to 2 children, I can honestly say that this pain was worse than giving birth. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.

As Reco zoomed down the highway, I sat on the passenger side doubled over in pain, and we were both praying – out loud and I was saying some extra prayers in my head. I think I knew what was happening but didn’t want to actually say it out loud. We arrived to the emergency room, explained what was happening, checked in, and sat and waited… and waited… and waited. My husband continued to check and see why we were had not been given a room and we were repeatedly told they are waiting on one to become available. It was early in the morning on Monday, October 13, 2008; the emergency room was not busy. I remember trying to be as silent as I could be in the waiting room because it was so empty and quiet and I was in so much pain. I couldn’t understand why we were waiting and why the staff seemed so heartless and nonchalant. I knew they could see I was in pain, I knew they could see my tears and how scared I was, how panicked I was, and how I really needed some kind of urgent medical attention.

Then it happens… the moment I feared… the pain eerily subsided out of nowhere, I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, and I just felt a weird, dizzy feeling. I looked at my husband with tears in my eyes and said I needed to use the restroom and walked away. In that emergency room bathroom, alone, crying, heartbroken, and somewhat praying, I pass my baby while sitting on the toilet. I hear the splash of water; I see the blood, the small shapes of something in the toilet, and call for help. I am numb. They do what they have to do with what was in the toilet, I get taken back to a room, checked out, and finally was discharged after finding out I had miscarried and everything was released from my body.

Everything was out. I was no longer pregnant. My happiness was gone. I felt broken. I blamed myself. I felt something was wrong with me. I felt inadequate. I questioned myself. I questioned God. I was sad, angry, empty, hurt, confused, broken, distant, and helpless. The drive home seemed to take forever. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I had to eventually return back to college and complete my student teaching. After a few days, I did return to teaching and graduated with honors in December 2008.

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I began to journal and then decided to create a website where I could tell my story, share my journey, and hope to reach other women who experienced miscarriages or pregnancy loss. I wanted to help them in some way. I wanted to help others and help myself as well in the process. Not many people knew I had written all these journals and what I wanted to do. Then one day, in the midst of feeling helpless and depressed, I convinced myself that no one wanted to hear what I had to say. I packed up all those journals and never looked at them again. I never wrote again. Then one day while packing to move I found my journals and threw them all in the trash. I still felt no one wanted to hear what I had to say or what I felt.

I learned to put up a wall, a shell, and hide whatever I felt. I hid my moments when I cried and reflected on that day I lost my baby. I hid this for years. I barely talked about what I felt, how I blamed myself, and the fears I had when I conceived my two rainbow babies afterwards. I did not really speak on my miscarriage, the pain, and the healing process until 3-4 years ago. I also decided to start my blog and officially launch it on January 7, 2017 (my daughter’s birthday) because it’s something I had always wanted to do. I was finally making that dream come true that I wanted for so many years.

As you can see, for many years I suffered in silence. I also felt guilty for having my moments of grief and sorrow after being blessed with having my daughters. I felt that I was being ungrateful since I was able to have two healthy and successful pregnancies after the miscarriage. I just had my rainbow baby #2 and I still deal with the same feelings every now and again.

Each person deals with pregnancy loss differently and requires different types of support throughout the healing and mourning process. I even go through moments when I imagine if it was a boy or a girl that I loss. I think about what it would have been like, what it would have looked like, and because of these thoughts, it caused me to experience gender disappointment with my recent pregnancy. Of course I got over it and realized I am extremely blessed to have my second daughter.  

I keep telling myself that I know God knew what He was doing when He called my baby to be with him early. I have to keep convincing myself that it was part of His plan. 10 years later, it still hurts. Hurts like hell! I still ask why sometimes. I still have moments when I play out in my head what I could have done that could have caused my miscarriage, what I could have done to prevent it, and even go back to somehow it was my fault. It still hurts.

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Recovering and Coping:

I really want people to grasp the fact that, the loss of a child is hard no matter if the woman was pregnant for weeks, months, or even got a chance to hold her baby. Once you have had a miscarriage, even multiple miscarriages, or any other form of child loss, you learn to master the art of putting on a happy face so others won't see you crying on the inside. Crying on the inside when that day comes around each year or at the thoughts of what once was. Hiding how it makes you feel when others mention or question you about having children. That becomes a coping strategy but eventually you begin to learn and grow from it.

Please know that we will have moments of sadness, anger, feeling alone, misunderstood, self-blaming, and/or wanting to be left alone. This is part of the coping and healing process. Just do not try to rush or force someone to “hurry up and get over it”. Or even say, “It’s ok, you can just try again.” This does not help!

There are stages one will go through and they may repeat themselves often. There are stages of shock and denial, guilt and anger, depression and hopelessness, and acceptance of some kind. There is no order and each woman will go through these differently. The main thing here is to give her TIME! Allow her to take her time to heal and cope. Allow her to have her moments and go through the stages. Each October 13th is hard for me and even though it has been 10 years, I still have my moments.

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My suggestions for coping after miscarriage or experiencing any form of child loss:

(1)    Take your time and understand that whatever you are feeling is YOUR NORMAL. Those feelings are ok.

(2)    You have a right to grieve as little or as much as you want and need to.

(3)    There may never be any real true closer from child loss and if you feel you can find it, do what you need to do.

(4)    Seek and go to therapy or counseling. Professional help is always good. They may even provide strategies that can help heal and cope. You may even go to groups for child loss and speak with your religious or spiritual leaders.

(5)    Once you feel comfortable, share your feelings, thoughts, and experience with your spouse, significant other, and/or others who have experienced child loss.

(6)    Find things that will make you feel good or lift your spirits. Find a new hobby or reignite one that you have put off.

(7)    Once YOU are ready and if YOU want to, try to get pregnant again. Don’t rush it and make sure to check with your doctor to make sure everything is ok. Do your research as well.

(8)    This one is optional but do something each year in recognition of your angel baby, so their memory lives on forever.

One of the biggest issues that I have is that I like to have control and child loss typically is one that we humanly cannot control. After my miscarriage, I knew in my heart that I would be a mother. I didn’t know how many babies I would have but I knew I would be a mother one day. God has blessed me with my rainbow babies and my angel baby. I will forever be blessed.

What I’ve learned is that the feelings of pain from child loss is indescribable, however; it's small gestures from people that make the pain ease just a little bit. Before you make a decision to comfort someone, please find out what they like, need, and/or want. Not what you think they should receive. Be there for them in their moments when they need you. Just continue to love them and be by their side.

 

I am 1 of the 1 in 4!