Gender Disappointment: Is it Normal and Why Do I feel Guilty?

Once you find out you are pregnant, you begin to make plans for the baby and what your new life will become. You also have tons and tons of questions that go through your mind. On top of that, you are also asked pretty much the same questions from people. When are you due? Can I touch your belly? or Can I touch your baby bump? How far along are you? or How many months pregnant are you? What are you having? or What do you want to have?

Those last 2 questions are the ones that get mixed responses because no matter what gender of the baby you say you want, you may not get it or someone is bound to tell you, “It shouldn’t matter if it is a girl or a boy, you should just want a healthy baby.” Well, I don’t think anyone has ever said they would rather have the gender they want over a healthy baby.  I mean seriously, come on people.

I experienced gender disappointment and all of the mixed emotions that come along with the baby not being the gender I hoped, wished, and prayed for each day. I even did 3 old wives tale tests to see if I could predict the gender of the baby. When 2 of the 3 tests came back saying it would be a girl, the gender disappointment began.

Gender disappointment, according to Collins Dictionary, is “a feeling of depression or anxiety experienced by an expectant parent when the sex of the baby does not match his or her preference.” Even though I began to experience this, it didn’t fully kick into high gear until the big day came. Our golf themed gender reveal party.

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I prayed everyday for a healthy baby but I prayed and wanted a healthy baby boy. I have 2 amazing children already. My son is a senior in high school, my daughter is truly the definition of a daddy’s girl, and this time I wanted to birth a son. I would have my momma’s boy and another child to carry on my husband’s name. This would be my last child and I would be ok with that.

Deep down, I felt that my first pregnancy, which ended in a miscarriage, was a boy. I felt that somehow, someway this would make that pain lessen. Having a miscarriage was such a traumatic experience for me and I am still dealing with it to this day. October 13, 2008 will be a day I will never forget.

After finding out that I was having a girl, I was so sad and emotionally confused. I didn’t really show it at the gender reveal party but once I got in the car to go to the restaurant after the reveal, I began to boo-hoo. I gathered myself well enough that no one even noticed. I wiped my face, fixed my eyeliner, put lotion my face so you could not see the dried tear markings, and applied some lipstick. I looked refreshed. No one knew what I was feeling.

As the days went on, I began to really get into a funk but no one knew. I kept it to myself. I would go cry in the closet when no one was around and I use to have conversations with God about how much I prayed for a boy but didn’t get a son. I use to get angry, jealous, and feel worse when I saw other pregnant women announce they were having a boy. Or when I saw women with newborn baby boys, I would get so down in the dumps and my mood would completely change.

All of a sudden my thoughts of being saddened by not having a boy, turned into feeling bad for not appreciating the fact that I was pregnant. Pregnant with a healthy baby… a healthy baby girl at that. For not being grateful on how well I was progressing and was able to do normal things, as if I wasn’t pregnant.  I felt guilty for feeling guilty.

I had to do something about this. These feelings, these thoughts, the crying spells, and walking around and going through everyday life as if I am ok.

I decided to open up to my husband because I needed to release all of these emotions and thoughts. The moment I began to talk, the tears began to pour out of my eyes. I unloaded everything and he listened. He heard me. He never interrupted… never judged. I felt so much better.

At that point, after we talked, I began to look into what I was feeling and experiencing. That’s when I came across the term gender disappointment and realized how “normal” and common it was during pregnancy. I learned that it is also something that both parents can experience, not just the pregnant woman.

I began to research how to overcome this and read real life stories of parents who experienced gender disappointment. Here are some tips that I found and used to how do deal with gender disappointment. They actually helped and even when I have a moment, I can regroup and adjust my mindset.

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5 Tips to Dealing with Gender Disappointment

(1)  You must admit that you actually have gender disappointment. Once you do this, you can actually begin to address, adjust, and heal from all that you are feeling/experiencing. Allow yourself to heal.

(2)  Forgive yourself for feeling down and don’t be ashamed. It’s ok to have these feelings. Your hormones are all out of whack anyway during pregnancy and this can also cause you to be extra emotional. Plus feelings of disappointment in life will come and it is ok. Really, it is ok and it is going to be ok.

(3)  Vocalize what you are feeling. Talk it out. Let it out. Talk to someone or people you trust, like your spouse or significant other, friend(s), and/or a therapist. Reading about others and their experience also helped me.

(4)  Make a list of what you are appreciative for during your pregnancy. When you have gender disappointment, the negative seems to outweigh the positive because of the space that you are in. Begin to focus your attention on the good and your mood and mindset will change.

(5)  Trust that it is temporary.  No matter how long you deal with gender disappointment or how severe it may get, once your bundle of joy enters this world, all of that will go out the window. Your love will supersede all that you have been feeling. Your main focus becomes on the fact that you are actually holding your baby. Plus you never know what the baby will be like. You may have wanted a boy but your daughter may be a little tomboy and love sports. Or you may have wanted a girl and your son may end up being your best friend or not be rough.  

So as I am getting closer to my due date, I am getting more and more excited to meet my little girl. Feeling her move more and more, having great doctor appointments, seeing her grow from each doctor’s visit, tracking my baby bump growth from week to week, learning how she is developing, setting up her room, planning and having the baby shower (and I even had pink as one of the main colors and I am not a fan of pink), and then experiencing the 3D/4D ultrasound to see a little more clearer what she will look like, has helped remove the disappointment.

If you are experiencing gender disappointment, please know it is ok and you will ok. Finally, please, please, please, realize that the disappointment isn’t really about the baby but the imagined new life you envisioned and was lost. It is actually normal and you are normal.

 

Say What?!?

In the beginning I was asked so many times was this a planned pregnancy and why did I wait so long to get pregnant again? After having a miscarriage, the fear of getting pregnant again, the fear of it not happening, and/or having another miscarriage is hard to face and think about. So no, this wasn’t planned but it is truly a blessing!

Looking back, I have coined January as the “Say What?!?” month…

Well, honestly, there was a period of time when the talk of having another baby was a consistent topic and then life got in the way. Not only was there health issues with us and family members but we realized that having a baby at that point in our lives was not good “timing” because we were so busy and barely even getting everything done with our “big kids”. They were self-sufficient and very active in extra-curricular activities. I was teaching at the time and working long hours (because I taught, coached, left school late each day playing catch up, and finishing work at home) and my husband was running his company and being a CEO is no easy task with set hours.

As much as we wanted the timing to be right, there ultimately is no right time because life is always happening, there will always be up and downs, and even though it’s a hard pill for me to swallow… there are just some things we (I) cannot control! Being OCD, a small control freak, and not being able to control the “timing” can make you spaz out…

So… fast forward to the first week of January 2018, I am in a major stress zone. Preparing for my daughter’s 8th birthday party, things are going wrong left and right, plans falling apart, running late, and in the midst of it all I am not really feeling well. I haven’t been feeling well but I still have things to get done and I push that to the side. One of the things I am good at most of the time is hiding when I am not feeling well. I may be feeling horrible but you may only see that I am just “off”. On a scale of 1-10, I may feel like a 10 and that being the worst but you may only see me at a 4.

Things finally fall into place, get to the venue, kids having fun, and then the final part of the party head home for the sleepover. Now that the party is over and all kids have gone home from the sleepover, the pain I was feeling began to hit me. Hit me hard. Still I don’t really say much but say I need to rest from all the stressing and partying. I got to the point to where I was in so much pain, finally I broke down and I called my doctor. I get the nurse and she asks all these questions.

Long story short, my monthly cycle had been off schedule since October when we left our 10-day anniversary trip to London, Paris, and Spain.  For 2 weeks I am told that I need to take pregnancy tests that all gave me “not pregnant” results, I was told that I may be producing less estrogen, I could be entering pre-menopause, or may need to schedule an appointment to check and see if I have developed cysts or something more serious.

It’s now January 24, 2018 and while in Wal-Mart, I pass by the isle where the pregnancy tests are and I see 1 of the brands I normally purchase sitting on the shelf. I grab it. I mean really, what could it hurt; I was already freaking out at this point thinking something could be wrong with me and I could possibly need surgery. My husband is laughing at me and makes a joke about us buying stock in pregnancy tests because I’ve had to buy so many lately and just randomly buy one that day.

January 25, 2018, as soon as I wake up and I take the pregnancy test. BAM! Quicker than normal, the words “PREGNANT” show up. I’m shocked… in disbelief… confused… relieved… scared… nervous… frozen. Now what do I do? I’m happy because finally I know what’s been wrong with me but then a million and one questions pop in my head. All the while still sitting in the bathroom frozen.

 

“Ummmm… RECOOOOOOO!!!!!” I yell to my husband. He sees the test and his face is priceless. Want to talk about timing being off, not right again, and hands being completely full… sheesh!

You see, I had cried all my tears out, began to relieve the anger inside, stopped beating myself up as much, and just began to realize that I just was not going to get pregnant. It just wasn’t happening for me. No matter how long we had been trying, no matter how long I wasn’t on birth control, no matter how much I prayed, and no matter how much I wanted it… it just wasn’t going to happen. I had just become somewhat comfortable with the idea of never experiencing pregnancy again or bringing life into this world. Something I loved every minute of when I was pregnant with my daughter, Raegan, I’d never experience again. Life had become hectic and I was moving on.

So now denial sets in and I take test #2 the next day, January 26, 2018, and just like the previous test, “PREGNANT” popped up so fast. Well, there is no denying it now. I call the doctor’s office, appointment is set, and 5 days later on January 30, 2018 I get my first ultrasound. “Congrats mommy and daddy, you are 5.5 weeks pregnant and in 3 days you be 6 weeks pregnant. There is your little one on the screen. Let’s schedule your next appointment but first I must let you know that you will notice something on your paperwork… basically any woman that conceives or will give birth at 35 years old or older, your pregnancy is considered a high risk pregnancy and you are also basically known as an “elderly” pregnant woman…”

“Say What?!?”